Tears of the Innocent
Our flagship dehydrated powder-to-slime lubricant. Represents distilled Catholic guilt. When mixed with water, it creates an impossibly thick, completely frictionless, ne...
Featured corporate assets
Tools with excellent paperwork.
Customer experiences
What people reported back.
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The P.T.O. (Paid Time Off) Healing Serum
This is the only aftercare gel I’ve ever actually remembered to use.
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The Non-Disclosure Towels
Thank the dark lords for these towels; they are the only thing capable of wiping up that godforsaken slime without angering it into multiplying. Highly absorbent and practically essential for post-scene decontamination.
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The Severance Package
These heavy-duty latex gloves allowed me to conduct a brutal, deep-dive manual audit without a single nail snag. Professional, clinical, and completely impervious to biological fluids.
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Cthulhu’s Embrace
It turned an overwhelming scene into something calm and deliberate.
Safeword Registry
The safeword is absolute.
If a scene stops being good, it stops. We keep the hospitality warm, the boundaries clear, and the exits easy to find.
Legal waivers & affidavits
Every purchase comes with the sort of consent workflow that keeps everyone safer, calmer, and less likely to have an administrative incident.